It’s been a year, to the day, since our first miscarriage. I never thought I would be the 1 in 4 women that loses a baby. I never thought that it would happen to me.
I will never forget the day I went in for a routine 10 week ultrasound to find out that my baby’s heart was no longer beating. I’ll never forget how alone and weak I felt in that moment. I will never forget the empty feeling from waking up in a hospital bed after the surgery. I will never forget the tears shed and the pain felt. It changed me forever; it’s a change that I’ll never forget.
I distinctly remember friends and family asking me what they could do. I remember feeling so helpless and angry at myself for not being able to carry a baby. Didn’t God create my body to carry babies? I had two healthy babies before this one, why was this pregnancy any different? It’s hard to think about God’s Will during the pain. It’s actually hard to think about anything.
It’s okay to have all of the emotions and it’s okay to not even know what you’re feeling or how to feel. It’s okay to not know what to tell someone when they ask what they can do for you. It’s 100% okay to eat the whole container of Oreos, too, by the way…
I wanted so badly to just feel normal again. I felt guilty for being sad and then the days that I found joy, I felt guilty for not feeling sad anymore. We can play such mean games within ourselves, and it wasn’t until I realized I needed to turn my grief over to God that I finally started to feel better. I finally had better days after better days, until I was feeling myself again. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I did before the loss, because it changed me, but I did find a new normal and a new joy. No one will understand your feelings, except for God. No one will feel your hurt or be able to take it away like HE does. Even the 1 in 4 (and believe me, there are so many of us) will not be able to feel what you feel and that’s okay.
If you or someone you know has gone through a miscarriage or loss, these are my words to you.
Your loss does NOT define you.
YOU are worthy. You were created for this. You were destined to have a life filled with love and not loss. Even though you feel loss (and lost) it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to never get over your heartache. It’s okay to be angry and scared. Each day will get a little bit easier, but you will never forget. You will always be changed by the life you carried whether it was for 6 weeks or 6 months. Though you feel all of these things and while it’s not easy, you will be stronger and braver. You will love deeply and know your worth. You will begin to have hope again. I promise. And I also promise you this: you know how much you love that life that was growing inside you? God loves you 1000 times more. Fathom that. Soak that in. Let him love you and hold you in your desperate time of need, worry and sadness. Let him heal you.
This loss. Any loss. Loss does NOT define you.
I hope you find encouragement in this. If I could give you a big hug, I sure would. I DO want you to know that if you’re having a hard time talking about your loss with someone, I am here and can understand heartache. My heart still aches a year later. My heart still longs for that baby. My heart also knows that Heaven holds a special place for our babies, our angels, and God indeed will fulfill your needs and desires of your heart. We just have to remember to put Him first and let go of our heartache – He takes the burden!
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Give someone you know that needs it a great big hug and lots of prayers! If anything, this letter was written to myself…I need it just as much as anyone else does. My prayer is that one person needed this as much as I do. I pray that one person is changed, feels encouraged, begins to hope for their future and comes to know Jesus’ love for us through this loss.